I need a haircut.

so I have a few goals for my time at home…

1) get a job. the purple onion doesn’t need me anymore now that christmas is over. I applied at capitol roasters this afternoon and will be filling out an application for taylor’s momentarily. I need to make a little moolah so I can buy books next semester.

2) get a haircut. I don’t want to take away length, I just need some shape.

3) reconnect with all the people I need to reconnect with. even if it’s just a brief exchange over coffee.

4) read a book or three for pleasure rather than academia.

5) hang out with the fam.

6) write stuff that I actually want to write.

7) see my eyedoctor and get new glasses/contacts.

8 ) cook. make a lemon meringue pie, a batch of peanutbutter oatmeal cookies, and a meal or two.

9) get my body back on a normal sleep cycle so I don’t feel so weird all the time.

fairly simple goals. we’ll see if I accomplish them all.

went downtown today to apply at capitol roasters and ran into a friend in taylor’s; that was good. surreal, but good. being home is turning out to be more of an adjustment than I anticipated. hopefully by next week it’ll all be normal for me and I can fully enjoy the rest of my time.

finally.

I am home. at 6 this morning I realized I had been in Logan for 12 hours.

it was not a particularly fun night.

when one has not slept properly since wednesday night, the last place one really wants to be is awkwardly sprawled out on relatively uncomfortable airport seating, attempting to get a little bit of rest. by the time 7 a.m. rolled around, I felt rather less than human. but I survived; the airline paid for my dinner and breakfast; and tonight I will sleep in a real live bed like a real live human being.

home. I can’t believe christmas is on Thursday.

I thought I liked snow.

I was supposed to fly out of boston at six tonight, have an hour-long layover in detroit, and get home around 11:30. that was the plan.

and then it snowed.

that’s what it looked like around 6 last night. it snowed from about two in the afternoon until 12 or so. it stopped for a couple of hours, but it’s been pretty close to constant.

I found out while I was on the bus from south station to the airport (i.e. already in boston) that my flight was canceled. I was kind of concerned before leaving, so I checked the forecast and it said that it wasn’t supposed to keep snowing tonight in boston or detroit.

lies.

oh well. it could be worse; initially when I was trying to reschedule at the counter she was talking like I wouldn’t be able to leave until monday, which reduced me to tears. I’ll take a night in the airport over being stranded in new england for a full day.

I think it’s time for a nap.

a thought-provoking encounter.

I should really be working on my dialogical analysis of Gulliver’s Travels, but instead I’m going to write about a thought that’s been on the forefront of my mind for the past few days.

sometimes I’m really, really amazed at how people justify incredibly immature behavior. this makes me sound like I think I’m incredibly mature, and that’s not what I mean to say. I just often feel that I’m on a different planet than some people, especially a lot of girls. being pyschotic and manipulative — and dealing with conflict by being more psychotic and manipulative — seems to be the kind of behavior a lot of people expect, and that’s an approach that I don’t understand at all.

I was in a situation recently where I was wronged (along with several other people — separate instances, but the same behavior from the same person). when I confronted the other person about it, I explained that I wasn’t angry about what had taken place — feeling a bit manipulated, yes, but the initial anger had passed — I just wanted to talk to them about it and let them know that treating people in the way that I had been treated was unacceptable. I told them that I didn’t hate them, I would still enjoy hanging out and seeing them around, but the manipulative behavior had to stop. it was a very difficult conversation, but a calm one; I was apologized to sincerely. and then the person looked at me and said “it would almost be easier if someone would just yell at me and tell me they never want to see me again. but you have to be so calm and reasonable about it.”

when I was talking to my roommate about it later we realized how common it is (especially, it seems, at this school) for people to deal with their problems like that. make the other person feel as crappy as possible, manipulate them in the same fashion you’ve been manipulated. if you have an issue with someone, deal with it in completely irration ways, like antagonizing them unnecessarily, instead of working it out with them (or working out the issue you have, which may or may not be legitimate, mentally and emotionally). it’s so unhealthy and so detrimental to any kind of personal growth. and that’s really sad.

I’m kind of scared of the somewhat-to-full-blown psychotic people that I’ve encountered here and elsewhere, but more than that I just feel sorry for them. problems aren’t resolved by treating people like crap, they’re intensified. I’m not always the best at conflict management, but in light of situations like the one I mentioned, I’m glad I have the perspective that I do.

so that’s what’s been swirling around in my head lately. back to paper-writing.

after 32 hours,

only one of which was devoted to sleep, do I have dark circles?

Mikhail Bakhtin is owning my life right now. I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

study break.

so currently, I’m taking a little break from thinking about Hobbes, Locke, and Montesquieu. they’ve been rolling around in my head for the last 14 hours, so I think that a few minutes spent writing about something else would be helpful.

my first final is today. freaking out just a little.

basically, starting tomorrow, I need to write 4-5 pages a day. which is completely doable — I just have to get up early, drink plenty of coffee, and go to the library. and stay there. all day. it’s doable.

unfortunately, because the way the preparation for my french presentation (it’s a two-person project, giving it tomorrow) has gone, I haven’t really been able to do anything besides a study for this final and do a little preliminary research on one of my papers. so the rest of this day is dedicated to my presentation and research. tomorrow is giving the presentation and doing research. saturday, the writing commences. it’s going to be pretty amazing.

I miss being able to make my own espresso. it’s probably better that I can’t, because I drink less coffee here (caf coffee = grossness). but still, I miss it.

it’s raining today. I’m kind of in shock that it’s not cold enough for snow. it hasn’t really snowed yet — just a tiny bit last weekend. all I want before going home for Christmas is a good inch or two covering the ground. that would make me happy.

after that particularly fascinating update, it’s time to resume studying. definition of the social contract according to Locke, anyone?

almost december.

I’m home again. it’s rather surreal to be sitting on the couch in my living room. everyone’s home this week. I swear Zoe’s taller. Jared and Becky are here with Adeline, who’s significantly more chubby than she was when I saw her last. Hannah’s at home again; this week we’re both sleeping in Charis and Zoe’s room (sleeping arrangements get a little interesting when there’s a large influx of people). And her boyfriend, Chris, is coming in tonight.
I had prepared myself all year long to not come home for thanksgiving; I was planning on going to Maine to visit my grampa. then miraculously Jared got time off work and mom and dad were able to get me a one-way ticket and everything worked out. I flew in this morning and I’m driving back with Jared and Becky on Saturday. so short. but I’m home.

2008 has been a very strange year for me. I experienced some of the deepest loneliness I’ve dealt with in my life; I experienced the cathartic effect of honesty and openness and how amazing it is to have real community. I learned again how frightening and painful it can be to allow yourself to care for someone else. I had times of intense closeness with God, and I had times in which I’d never felt farther away.
the never-feeling-farther-away lasted basically, in varying degrees, from July until now.
in a way I don’t even feel like I can really talk about this now. I’m still in a strange place spiritually. I’ve been searching for a center again; I know there is an element in my life that is missing, but I haven’t been able to move myself back to where I need to be. being here is reassuring to me.
it’s almost like the fact that I was able to come home — despite thinking I wouldn’t be able to make it — is a foreshadowing. I will be able to find my center again. I will be able to come home. and it will be soon.

in going through a journal

I found this. written 5/12/2008.

I am just trying to deal with it all.
Somewhere I got the idea that I’m in this alone.
Somewhere, I got the idea
that keeping my head above water
was the point.
So I survive
by the skin of my teeth,
but really by grace;
and as I examine this life, and question:
what went wrong?
I realize
I am not really living.

I know there’ve been a lot of pictures lately…

but check out my hair. it’s so long now.

especially compared to august.

a couple of weeks ago I turned in the longest paper I’ve ever written. a comparison/contrast of Seneca’s Oedipus and Shakespeare’s Macbeth. as soon as I turned it in I began to fear that it had some fatal flaw. especially given what I’ve heard about this professor’s grading.

I got it back today: A minus. I’ve never been so happy to see an A minus.

I’ve been struggilng a lot lately to keep up with my homework, due largely to bad time management but also due to the fact that I finally got a job so I’ve had even less time. that grade was just a little affirmation that yes, I am capable of doing this.

that’s all for now.

these days….

this is what I’m doing.

so. much. reading.