not ready.

for some reason I feel extremely exhausted today. maybe the lack of sleep.

I’m leaving my house tomorrow at 5 a.m.

a 6:25 a.m. flight is $150 cheaper than a 3 p.m. flight. go figure. so 5 a.m. departure it is… I’m not ready.

I’m mostly packed. I have to get a few more things together and such… but I can’t find my camera battery charger, and the battery is low. :/ I always get this feeling before going anywhere that I’m unprepared, and I never finish packing until the last minute (and still don’t feel prepared then). is there such a thing as travel anxiety?

on the other hand, I’m pretty super excited for this trip. I think it’ll be awesome. if I can just get packed.

I don’t know what God is trying to teach me.  I’m trying to absorb it but it’s kind of hard to learn from what you don’t understand. my heart is heavy… the past seems to resurface at the most challenging times. I don’t think those sentences go together very well, or this paragraph with the rest of the post, but it came out and there you have it.

yesterday’s reading

“It is never a question of being of use, but of being of value to God himself. When we are abandoned to God, he works through us all the time.” — Oswald Chambers

Oswald Chambers wrote some pretty profound things in his lifetime.

I’ve been wrestling with ideas and feelings about what I’ll be doing next year. there’s nothing concrete as of yet, and I’ve honestly been somewhat frustrated that I don’t see a green light from God in any area — it seems as though for the past four years all I’ve wanted to know is what he wants me to do in some kind of long-term frame of reference, and all I’ve been getting is a few steps at a time. it continues to be that way. the latest step is sending off applications to schools I’m terrified I won’t get into (yet there’s a push to do it). I’m about to buy a ticket to go visit my brother over my spring break so I can make a few college visits; after that I find out nothing until May. it seems so far away, but it’ll likely fly by. I just have no idea what’s going to happen. I’m kind of excited, a tad anxious, but the overriding feeling is peace. I’m honestly willing to do whatever, because I know whatever it is that God wants me to do will be the most awesome thing I’ve ever done. usually I know that intellectually but it doesn’t feel that way. right now it feels that way, though it kind of contradicts with my thought processes — how could staying at State possibly be the best thing for me? well, I honestly don’t know… but if that’s what I’m supposed to do, it is. that’s all I know.

and… as the most random side note ever, I like French now. it’s a rather new revelation. I was really despising it there at the beginning of last semester. I felt like I was learning all these different elements but I didn’t have any kind of grasp on the language. now I think I could actually become proficient in it (if I can just improve my pronunciation…). so taking as much French as possible  is on the list of things I want to do. maybe I could study abroad (another thing on the list) in France.

and I’m cured of my water aversion. back to my usual camel-like rate of consumption.

(:

the cause of war

“Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don’t have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn’t yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.” — James 4:1-2

I read this yesterday and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. the source of conflict is not some force beyond my control; it’s me. and even if someone else initiates conflict, if I let it continue it’s because I want to be right — want my own way.

it also made me think about actual war, not just interpersonal conflict.  inside ourselves. that’s where it comes from.

but every good and perfect gift comes from God — I don’t remember the reference for that one.

I am learning how to  repent.

501 honest words.

recent events, including but not limited to the Shane & Shane concert and my reading of the first few chapters of Rob Bell’s ‘Velvet Elvis’, have got me pondering a question: what does it mean to have Christ at the center of my life?

the obvious answer is that I live according to the Bible, prayerfully seek his will when I have decisions to make, etc.

but what I really want to know is… what does it mean? I have always struggled with application (as I suppose is true of any human being), and this is no different.

Matt started a sermon series on Sunday on the topic of marriage. which, you know, doesn’t really apply to me since I’m as single as … I was going to say the Lone Ranger, but even he has Tonto. I’m single, okay? but here are some of my notes from Sunday:

“1 peter 2:13, 3:1-7 — submit ‘for the Lord’s sake’ = doing what’s right in the eyes of God. respond with love and respect. (8 &9) break the cycle of insult-for-insult behavior.

(3:14-15) kindness opens the door to vulnerability; God is still sovereign in that. we take our cues from him and love unconditionally, not based on how others treat us.”

I am really bad at this. of all the areas of my walk that suffer, this has got to be one of the worst. I get hurt or agitated, I respond and cause hurt and agitation. there’s not a filter on my words, especially around my family.

I love my quiet times with God. it’s my morning ritual — I wake up, turn on the light; maybe go to the bathroom and get a drink of water. then I sit in my bed and read the day’s page in My Utmost for His Highest. then I read the passages of scripture that I’m currently in, and pray. sometimes, on particularly early mornings, I’ll shower first to make sure I’m awake. and my whole day is just off if I don’t do that — it’s my refreshment. I look forward to it and learn from it, and I really feel that that’s a gift from God.

but it’s like all that fizzles out somewhere in the course of my day. the glow is replaced by my desire to just get through what I have to do and get home. I fear I am becoming one of those people whose faith is turned inward, focusing only on personal holiness instead of openly exhibiting the love of God. I’m not inviting other people to join me, with my words or my actions… or my attitude. I’m not looking to meet the needs of others, searching for a way to bless or encourage. I’m not fulfilling my call as a follower of Christ to love others.

time to work on changing that.

again, the practical application is not perfectly clear. (what does it mean to love unconditionally? how is it demonstrated?) but it feels a step closer now.

just a note

there are several technical aspects of this site (like the blogroll and why it’s not appearing even after I added urls to it?) that I don’t quite get because I haven’t had time to just sit down and play around with it. so eventually, it’ll look a little cooler and I’ll tag my posts or whatnot, but at the moment this is what it is.

saw Shane & Shane last night. except it ended up just being one Shane because Everett lost his voice. sad. but still quite good… I worshiped un-self-consciously. even though it was freezing in the auditorium and I was pretty much starving to death, it was some of the best time I’ve had with God in months. :] sometimes it’s good to not have a primary role in leading worship.

a thought from last night.

“Be rightly related to God, find your joy there, and out of you will flow rivers of living water. Be a centre for Jesus Christ to pour living water through. Stop being self-conscious, stop being a sanctified prig, and live the life hid with Christ. The life that is rightly related to God is as natural as breathing wherever it goes. The lives that have been of most blessing to you are those who were unconscious of it.” — Oswald Chambers

“It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.” Ephesians 1:11

“The church is Christ’s body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence.” — Ephesians1:23