duplicitous/multifaceted

du-plic-i-ty [doo-plis-i-tee]
noun

1. deceitfulness in speech or conduct; speaking or acting in two different ways concerning the same matter with intent to deceive; double-dealing.
2. a two-fold or double state or quality.

mul-ti-fac-et-ed [muhl-tee-fas-i-tid]
adjective

1. having many facets, as a gem.
2. having many aspects or phases: a multifaceted problem.

I have a tendency to act differently around different people. it’s as though I adapt according to my circumstances — in some cases, I’m loud, constantly cracking jokes, laughing uninhibitedly. sometimes I’m quiet, speaking only when spoken to. sometimes I use words that I would never use around certain people. sometimes I’m really sarcastic. I know I’m venturing into horribly cliched waters here, but the honest truth is that, especially lately, I feel like I’m several different people. I’m a younglife leader — I smile and laugh a lot, give lots of hugs, and listen to neyo and justin timberlake. I’m a keyboardist and singer — I give my musical opinion and rarely say much else. I’m an employee, a friend, and a student; and my demeanor varies depending on the job, the friend, the class. I don’t know why I’ve decided to be so personal all of the sudden, it’s just been bothering me. I want to say it, but I don’t know who to tell.

I honestly don’t feel as though I’m being fake, for the most part. though I act differently in different circumstances, most of the time it all comes from me. most of the time. and humorously enough, I was reminded just a few days ago that a characteristic of my personality type (according to the Meyers-Briggs test — I guess it sounds odd, but when I took it my results were so uncannily accurate that I think it’s reliable) is to be “multi-faceted.” it’s not duplicity or dishonesty, it’s just having different sides.

all this to say… lately it just feels different than it always has. maybe I’m more aware of it. people in my life, or those that I’ve met, have been making random observations about my personality and demeanor that make me think about who I am. that sounds dumb. the “real” me, yada yada. but honestly, it’s just been on my mind an awful lot.

I struggle with feeling alone even as I have more friends from more places. I wonder if I’m doing what matters, what I should be doing, or if I’m just doing good things. I feel like I don’t have a community where I can trust enough to be real, and at the same time I’m not sure what that would look like. which I guess makes it sound like I’m not always trying to be “real,” though I am. but there’s a difference between integrity and complete openness and understanding. I want to be seen.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, if anywhere. lately I’ve had a lot that I think I want to write about and then I sit down to write and nothing will come out, so when this worked, I kinda just took it and ran with it.

I need to be careful, in my multifaceted-ness (making up words here, yes), not to be duplicitous. adapting is fine, deceiving not so much. I can’t let my craving for deeper community allow me to be completely withdrawn from what I do have.

I am feeling more and more a sense that I’m waiting for something. where I am isn’t bad. it’s pretty good, actually, though it has its pros and cons. but I know that I’m going somewhere else, and I’ll be doing something different… it’s just a matter of time bringing this change. meanwhile, there’s personal change occurring. I think it’s good.

happy new year.

I’ll break the silence once more.

wow.

3:30 a.m. and I’m awake. it’s been a while.

it’s like there’s this window of time where you can go to sleep, and if you miss that window then your mind starts functioning again and sleep is impossible. at least, that’s how it works for me. I missed my window and I am soooo screwed. tomorrow will be fun.

I just realized that I started writing a post a week ago that I never finished. I want to refine it and post it, but it’s too late. there’s something I need to say, and the ability to say it eloquently has passed, just like my ability to sleep.

I’m a mess.

I am really good at pretending not to be, and I’m actually quite accomplished at showing only certain aspects of it — admitting the struggles that aren’t too embarrassing, declaring that I’m “real” and then backing it up by displaying some area in which I’m flawed. well, honestly, it’s crap.

I am hurt and I am struggling and mostly I’m just afraid. I’m afraid of being that needy girl who only talks about her own problems. I’m afraid of sharing things people don’t want to hear. I’m afraid of being a burden. I’m afraid of not being genuinely liked by any of my friends.

there, I said it.

and the most frustrating thing is, I am starting to see these fears affect my relationships, and it’s terrifying. I have been jealous — I’m not a jealous person. I’ve been defensive and easily, easily hurt. and I fight tooth and nail against feeling that way, but it persists. it’s horrible. it’s eating me up, and I feel powerless.

I honestly don’t know what to do.

so I’m just sharing this. it’s pretty personal, I know, and my intent is not to bare all to everyone. (hence the lack of precise details.) I just really, really felt the need to say it. it’s true. I won’t hide it any more.

God is doing something in me right now and I have no idea what it is. I can’t decide if he’s trying to get me prepped for a life of loneliness or forcing me to reach out. again. I don’t want it to be the latter — haven’t I reached out enough? why can’t I be on the other end for once? — but I guess that’s my self-preservation instinct.

I should probably go read to quiet down my brain and maybe get some sleep.

by the way, I dyed my hair. dark auburnish brown. the jury is out on whether this is a good thing; pictures later.

before I study french…

I keep thinking that there’s all this stuff I want to say, and I think of it at the most random times, and now that I’m taking this opportunity — basically the only one I’ll have for most of the week — to sit down and write, nothing’s happening. I am staring at the cursor and wondering what to say.

this week will be crazy, like last week was. young life, church and wyldlife equals not a single night this week that I’m not busy. I’m not technically obligated to go to wyldlife, but I know Ben wants me there and I should go help. I’m not working today, but I have a couple of tests this week that I need to study for and two papers to write, and I’m working the rest of the week, so today isn’t exactly a day of relaxation either.

and there’s my semi-whining about the craziness; I’m done.  :]

last saturday I made myself some three-bean chili; black beans, red beans and garbanzo beans plus tomatoes, onions, zucchini  and carrot (I know zucchini and carrots in chili sounds weird, but you actually don’t taste them, and it improves the texture of veggie chili). and seasonings. it wasn’t fantastic on saturday, but I heated up the leftovers for lunch today and it was actually really good. weird how that works. I have no idea what the point of relating that story was.

I normally don’t have any problem with acting on my emotions. and by that I mean that when I’m making a big decision I don’t act on my emotions, and it’s easy for me.  I have a tendency to look at everything in terms of black and white, and though my heart’s definitely not always in the right place, I usually base my actions on what I believe to be right.

for whatever reason, that’s become increasingly difficult for me to do in certain areas. I find myself in situations that I probably shouldn’t be in. and I know my heart is wandering.  in some ways I’m fighting it — mentally I know I’m headed in the wrong direction — but things seem out of alignment. my heart and my head and my actions are all going their own way. I know this is all terribly vague… what I really need is to talk to someone about it, and I don’t have that right now.

I’m also really struggling with finding balance at home right now.  with school, work, church, young life and occasionally seeing friends, I’m really busy and not home often. my family is having a hard time accepting that. I’m also torn between doing some things the way I want to do them and living under their roof and so needing to obey their rules. there are things I don’t see as wrong that they take issue with, and it’s difficult to know what to do.

eh.  I need divine assistance. enough rambling.

“Come unto me.” Matthew 6:28

“If you want to know how real you are, test yourself by these words — “Come unto me.” In every degree in which you are not real, you will dispute rather than come, you will quibble rather than come, you will go through sorrow rather than come, you will do anything rather than come the last lap of unutterable foolishness — “Just as I am.” As long as you have the tiniest bit of spiritual impertinence, it will always reveal itself in the fact that you are expecting God to tell you to do a big thing, and all He is telling you to do is “come.”

“The Holy Spirit will show you what you have to do, anything at all that wil put the axe at the root of the thing which is preventing you from getting through. You will never get futher until you are willing to do that one thing. The Holy Spirit will locate the one impregnable thing in you, but He cannot budge it unless you are willing to let him.”

what a thing to read this morning.