I know there’ve been a lot of pictures lately…

but check out my hair. it’s so long now.

especially compared to august.

a couple of weeks ago I turned in the longest paper I’ve ever written. a comparison/contrast of Seneca’s Oedipus and Shakespeare’s Macbeth. as soon as I turned it in I began to fear that it had some fatal flaw. especially given what I’ve heard about this professor’s grading.

I got it back today: A minus. I’ve never been so happy to see an A minus.

I’ve been struggilng a lot lately to keep up with my homework, due largely to bad time management but also due to the fact that I finally got a job so I’ve had even less time. that grade was just a little affirmation that yes, I am capable of doing this.

that’s all for now.

these days….

this is what I’m doing.

so. much. reading.

no really, I am learning something.

so this is what I’ve been doing in my free time, and by free time I mean time when I should be working on my paper for roots of political theory but don’t feel like it:

pour le piano toccata

I’m teaching myself a new song. Debussy’s Pour Le Piano (III Toccata).
for the past six years or so I’ve had this giant binder containing the collected works of Claude Debussy (I learned three pieces in high school, but I’ve never really touched the rest of them). when I came to school I didn’t even think to bring any music with me, so about a week in I asked my mom to send me some — and she sent me the Debussy binder. unfortunately, the three pieces I do know aren’t actually in the binder (my fault; I put them in a smaller binder a while ago), so I was stuck with no music that I could play with ease. but since I’ve been itching to play piano, I decided to teach myself something new.
it probably doesn’t sound like that big a deal, learning a new song; and as you pianists will be able to tell by looking at the music, the difficulty level’s not that high. but since it’s been over two years since I learned a new classical piece, it’s kind of a big deal for me. the thing is ten or so pages long, but I just pulled out the first three to get a handle on first, so as not to get overwhelmed. it’s going well so far.
it’s strange to be learning something again. I will at times get frustrated with myself for having to pause and figure out the notes. I’ll get to the end of my three pages and want to play the rest of the song, but then remind myself that I need to really learn this chunk first (luckily, I left the rest of it in my room, so it’s not as tempting as it could be). I had forgotten how it feels to be excited about learning a new song. I’ve already practiced three times, and I want to go back tonight after dinner and work on it some more. I miss being good at piano.

friday, 1:25-2:40

in literature class
I am sitting, pretending to pay attention.
but my eyes are raw from lack of sleep
and I am fueled solely by coffee and diet coke –
neither of these things being conducive to
keeping track of our rambling, Shakespeare-obsessed professor.
he is talking about
how Shakespeare understood real love–
all of its nuances, joys and imperfections–
and I don’t want to hear it today.

an update of sorts.

well, I wanted a challenging education; and as far as I can tell, I’m getting it.
I spent three and a half hours in the library tonight, reading. I intend to spend most of the day tomorrow doing more of the same.
my classes are as follows:
Roots of Political Theory (Tuesdays and Thursdays, 10:25-11:40)
Major British Writers I (Tuesdays and Fridays, 1:25-2:40)
Contemporary Literary Theory (Mondays, 2:50-5:50)
Elementary French Intensive (Tuesdays and Fridays, 12-1:15 and discussion on Wednesdays from 3-4)

I know, only four classes. it’s strange. I feel like I’m never in class — except on Tuesdays, when three of the four fall back-to-back. but it works out well, because I have to read so much that if I had five classes I would probably go blind.
so far the most challenging is actually the government class. I’ll read our assignments — so far, The Apology, The Crito and half of The Republic (it’s Plato, giving us what Socrates supposedly said) — and think I have a basic understanding of them, but when we get to class I haven’t always made the connections that the professor apparently wants us to make. I feel like I’m just hitting the surface with my understanding of the text. it may be that I haven’t been reading closely enough, but I’m getting nervous because we have a paper due week after next and I don’t want to write about something I don’t fully understand. my struggle with this is both frustrating and encouraging: I’m not used to having difficulty grasping the concepts that I’m supposed to be learning in a class, so I’m frustrated. but I know that I’m being challenged, and that in itself is a learning experience. it’s good.

learning my way around Worcester has been interesting. so far I’ve been to a pizza place, a dollar store, the library, a coffee shop right by campus, Walgreen’s and the Salvation Army. the coffee shop near campus, Acoustic Java, is a nice little place, but it tends to be loud. not the best atmosphere for studying, which is something I enjoy doing in coffee shops. Taylor Books was my haven second semester. so I did a little research on area coffee shops and found one within walking distance — a mile isn’t exactly a stroll, but it’s definitely doable. so Abby and I gathered up our books and set out, and after between 15 and 20 minutes of walking, we found our destination: Java Joe’s. we also found that Joe owns two tiny tables and four chairs, three of which were taken. not a pleasant discovery. so we hiked back down Main Street and ended up in the place which we were trying to avoid: Acoustic Java. brilliant. next time I’ll do a little more research before walking a mile.

so…

yesterday was Clark. I anticipated correctly. the interview went well, and I didn’t run out of things to say, or say anything too stupid… sat up straight, smiled, hit the high points of my academic career and got to talk about the impact that my travels have made on me. it’s in Worcester, and I like the area — not the high-brow part of town, but not a part that seemed unsafe at all, and think I would have a lot of fun exploring. the view they have on academics and community involvement/social change, etc., goes pretty well with my own. faculty to student ratio is 10:1 and average class size is 20. I think I would fit right in there.

I also feel pretty good about being accepted — all my test scores and such are within or above their student average, and I feel like I got to present myself fairly well in my application and interview… so. I’ll find out in May.

went to visit Emerson today. meh. I mean, location-wise, of course it’s great — downtown Boston. location was definitely a factor in choosing to apply there. I don’t know how I could not enjoy living in Boston. from reading about the school, I knew they were career focused, and I thought it was kind of exciting that they were so intent on giving students real-world skills. but with the information session and the tour, it all seemed really narrowly focused. for instance, I’ve often thought that I would love to be an editor (maybe children’s literature, or something of that nature). if I knew for sure that I wanted to work in a publishing house, Emerson would be the perfect place for me. but I don’t. the programs are so specified, that for someone like me who wants her options a little bit more open, it’s not good. plus I just didn’t feel as comfortable there. a little too cool for me, or something.

I was talking to one of my sweetest friends last night about the whole college thing, saying that I was a little concerned about the decision-making process. but, I said, God tends to make things easy on me in that regard –no voice from the sky or writing on the wall, but I think a shut door can be just as effective. true to form, I didn’t like Emerson. I don’t want to go there. of course, I’ll keep praying about the whole matter, and I won’t have any final decisions until May, when I hear back from everyone. but barring some lightning bolt from the sky, I can totally see myself at Clark next fall.

so pray for a lightning-free next few months.

… and Clark is only an hour away from Boston, so I can totally spend time there. yes.

today’s the day…

Becky graciously lent me a pair of pants that fit me. I’ve got the rest.

interview at Clark at 1:30. I’ve been trying to think about what I’ll say and such, for the questions I can anticipate; I don’t know if I’m anticipating the right kind of questions. but I’ll smile, sit up straight and keep my shoulders back. that should help with everything. ;]

frustration, frustration, frustration.

I hate my art class.

I love art.

have I mentioned to you all that the professor makes the class?

if you’re ever signing up for an art class at State, don’t take anything from the professor that I have (contact me for the name, if you like). it’s… words don’t really do it justice. the main problem is that if you don’t do a project in the exact way she would do it, she doesn’t like it. she gives really bad explanations of what she wants us to do, but she thinks she’s explaining it perfectly. so when you ask a question she usually can’t give you an answer, because the fact that you could even have a question in the first place is so baffling to her. and she hates minimalism. I love minimalism (though you probably wouldn’t guess from that line & shape project I posted photos of). so there’ve been some issues with some of my work. mainly the painting I did for our fourth project (due April 9… I’m working a little ahead). it’s supposed to be an illustration of perspective, so I did a landscape (of course). was it awesome? no; but it was pretty good, and I really liked the way the colors turned out. but, since there were no mountains or random bushes, it was “a little boring.” so another girl in class shows her the cartoon town she’s working on for the same project, and the perfesser has her show it to me, because “it’s actually interesting, there’s some stuff in there.”

bah. humbug. I was basically incensed. I probably shouldn’t have been as angry as I was about this one thing, because it’s not a huge deal, but it was that plus everything. I’m guessing this woman is not a Georgia O’Keefe fan.

I need to make a packing list.

and… I got really happy last night, because I found my cds. :> I haven’t been able to find my wallet thing for a couple of months, but I haven’t looked for it that much — I’m so rarely home and not studying that I don’t listen to much music, unless it’s on the computer. so I finally scoured the house because I was getting tired of the Beatles mix I burned, and I was beginning to think that it had been left in the car and lifted and I’m such a tube sock I didn’t even notice. then I looked behind the stereo in the living room and sure enough, it had fallen back there. since that stupid wallet contains nearly every cd I’ve bought since I was 12, I was pretty happy.

I leave you with a Georgia O’Keefe landscape, “Winter Road.”

yesterday’s reading

“It is never a question of being of use, but of being of value to God himself. When we are abandoned to God, he works through us all the time.” — Oswald Chambers

Oswald Chambers wrote some pretty profound things in his lifetime.

I’ve been wrestling with ideas and feelings about what I’ll be doing next year. there’s nothing concrete as of yet, and I’ve honestly been somewhat frustrated that I don’t see a green light from God in any area — it seems as though for the past four years all I’ve wanted to know is what he wants me to do in some kind of long-term frame of reference, and all I’ve been getting is a few steps at a time. it continues to be that way. the latest step is sending off applications to schools I’m terrified I won’t get into (yet there’s a push to do it). I’m about to buy a ticket to go visit my brother over my spring break so I can make a few college visits; after that I find out nothing until May. it seems so far away, but it’ll likely fly by. I just have no idea what’s going to happen. I’m kind of excited, a tad anxious, but the overriding feeling is peace. I’m honestly willing to do whatever, because I know whatever it is that God wants me to do will be the most awesome thing I’ve ever done. usually I know that intellectually but it doesn’t feel that way. right now it feels that way, though it kind of contradicts with my thought processes — how could staying at State possibly be the best thing for me? well, I honestly don’t know… but if that’s what I’m supposed to do, it is. that’s all I know.

and… as the most random side note ever, I like French now. it’s a rather new revelation. I was really despising it there at the beginning of last semester. I felt like I was learning all these different elements but I didn’t have any kind of grasp on the language. now I think I could actually become proficient in it (if I can just improve my pronunciation…). so taking as much French as possible  is on the list of things I want to do. maybe I could study abroad (another thing on the list) in France.

and I’m cured of my water aversion. back to my usual camel-like rate of consumption.

(:

I’m beginning to like Fridays.

I finish school at 1, and then I just get to come home. I can do other things if I want to, but I don’t have to do anything, and that I definitely love.

this afternoon I worked on art class stuff. currently I’m working on a line and shape project which I’m considering scrapping and starting over.

thoughts?

one very unpleasant lingering side affect of my sickness has been that I don’t like the taste of water. yup, ya heard. it’s very weird,  to take a sip of water and be repulsed. normally I drink ridiculous amounts of water, and I’ve been somewhat dehydrated since last weekend. but today it seems to be a bit better and easier to drink water, which makes me happy.

trimmed my bangs last night.

and, since I seem to be in a picture-posting mood this afternoon… this came for me in the mail today: