almost december.

I’m home again. it’s rather surreal to be sitting on the couch in my living room. everyone’s home this week. I swear Zoe’s taller. Jared and Becky are here with Adeline, who’s significantly more chubby than she was when I saw her last. Hannah’s at home again; this week we’re both sleeping in Charis and Zoe’s room (sleeping arrangements get a little interesting when there’s a large influx of people). And her boyfriend, Chris, is coming in tonight.
I had prepared myself all year long to not come home for thanksgiving; I was planning on going to Maine to visit my grampa. then miraculously Jared got time off work and mom and dad were able to get me a one-way ticket and everything worked out. I flew in this morning and I’m driving back with Jared and Becky on Saturday. so short. but I’m home.

2008 has been a very strange year for me. I experienced some of the deepest loneliness I’ve dealt with in my life; I experienced the cathartic effect of honesty and openness and how amazing it is to have real community. I learned again how frightening and painful it can be to allow yourself to care for someone else. I had times of intense closeness with God, and I had times in which I’d never felt farther away.
the never-feeling-farther-away lasted basically, in varying degrees, from July until now.
in a way I don’t even feel like I can really talk about this now. I’m still in a strange place spiritually. I’ve been searching for a center again; I know there is an element in my life that is missing, but I haven’t been able to move myself back to where I need to be. being here is reassuring to me.
it’s almost like the fact that I was able to come home — despite thinking I wouldn’t be able to make it — is a foreshadowing. I will be able to find my center again. I will be able to come home. and it will be soon.