in going through a journal

I found this. written 5/12/2008.

I am just trying to deal with it all.
Somewhere I got the idea that I’m in this alone.
Somewhere, I got the idea
that keeping my head above water
was the point.
So I survive
by the skin of my teeth,
but really by grace;
and as I examine this life, and question:
what went wrong?
I realize
I am not really living.